You Have to Live
by Cricket Watson
Summary: Damon angst, slight torture, him dreaming about Elena and his mommy - based on the speculations surrounding episode 4x14 of his capture and/or death
1. Chapter 1

Based on speculations surrounding episode 4x14 (Damon captured, tortured, possibly dying). Since I am obviously not a TVD writer (disclaimer!) and I have no true idea of what will happen in 4x14, I tried to stay away from a real plot in this fanfic and focused on the angst instead. So enjoy if you like angst, slight torture, and Damon dreaming about his mommy.

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"_I'm so happy to be here with you,"_ she says softly. Her smile is gentle, softer than the touch of her hand on my face.

I drop my eyes, because if I keep looking at her lips…

It's wrong.

"_Does this feel wrong?" _her hand shifts on my face, and her voice lowers to a whisper.

And then Stefan punches me in the face.

The side of my head connects with the wall I'd been sitting with my back against, and I feel blood leaking from my nose. I try to lift my hand to my face and I can't, so I force my eyes open, half-expecting to see Stefan's angry, brooding face even though the dream is fading.

"How long do you want this to last?" Vaughn asks, and even though my eyes won't focus right, I can see the stake in his hands. "Because I'm getting bored with this cycle. Torturing you to death is self-gratifying, but the fourth time is starting to become tedious. Not to mention, Shane is anxious to finish you off for good."

"That's the best news I've heard all day," I manage to croak through a throat that's on fire. I've had my neck snapped at least once, and since Vaughn has been both bleeding me out and injecting me with vervain, everything's taking an eternity to heal. "Although you know if you kill me, you'll never find what you're looking for," I continue, trying to imbue some mockery into my tone.

Vaughn crouches and shoves the tip of the stake under my chin, forcing my head up. "Your friends stole the power that can rid the world of vampires and bring people back from the dead," he states in an infuriatingly calm voice. As if I didn't already know. "Telling me where they are means you get to die now, with a simple stake to the heart. If you don't tell me, we'll hunt them down anyway. And then, after you watch me make your girlfriend and your brother _writhe_," he hisses, digging the stake into the side of my neck, "then we'll kill you all."

Every snarky comeback I've ever used, every foul invective I've ever learned is gone from my mind. Words aren't enough. The only thing able to satiate my anger would be Vaughn's heart in my hand.

I don't realize that I'm straining against the vervain-soaked chains on my hands until I hear my wrist bones start to snap. Vaughn shrugs. "Guess you're not talking today. Fine. If you really want to see her again so badly – " he shoves the stake deeper into my neck, until I'm gagging on my own blood. "Enjoy dreaming about her death." The stake twists, and I drop back into the darkness.

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The house is so dark at night after the servants extinguish all the candles in the main rooms. But I don't need a candle. I know the way to my mother's favorite place.

But I stop outside the door of the library, suddenly afraid. She should be inside, curled up on the soft leather chair, her hair glowing in the lamplight. But what if she isn't?

"_Why's my Damon out of his bed?"_ Her beautiful, resonant voice comes from behind me, a touch of exasperation mixed with the love in her tone. _"Tell me what's wrong, darling. I'm right here."_

I spin around and drink in the sight of her as she holds up a candle. Her warm brown hair spills over her shoulder in a long braid, and the laugh lines at the corners of her hazel eyes crinkle as she gives me a smile.

"_I did the wrong thing again, Ma_," I tell her, ashamed to feel my throat tighten.

She swats my chest and pulls me into a hug. I bury my head in the crook of her neck, allowing myself one moment to relax in the safety of her arms.

"_Damon baby, you don't know yourself well enough if you'd say such a thing,"_ she murmurs.

I shake my head against her shoulder. _"No. I failed them. I failed Elena, I failed Stefan, and I failed Jeremy."_

She draws back and takes my face in her hands. _"I died Damon. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Stefan's fault or your father's fault or your fault. Did I fail you when I died?"_

"_No,"_ I burst out. _"Ma, don't think like that."_

She tugs a stand of hair out of my eyes and tucks it behind my ear. _"Then don't you think you'll fail them by dying either. I never left you, baby. You'll never leave Elena." _She smiles, and I can see the tears in her eyes. _"You may not know yourself, but that girl does."_

_And I know Elena,_ I think. Elena watched me sacrifice myself so everyone else could get away. She'll be going crazy trying to rescue me. Which is why I have to die.

"_Thank you,"_I whisper to my mother, and she lets me go.

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I open my eyes to see sunlight filtering through cracks in the old wooden shutter covering the window to my left. Vaughn is nowhere to be seen.

Perfect.

The shutter is bolted closed, but I feel healed enough, strong enough despite the vervain in my system. I can get it open.

I look down past the chains on my hands and stare at my ringless finger. Even though I'm glad they took my daylight ring, I wish it was here, marking the place.

I close my eyes and see her, a blissful smile on her face, a peaceful look in her eyes.

"_I'm sorry, Elena. I'll never leave you again, I promise. I love you –"_ I stop as a wave of panic comes over me. I'm a realist. Elena can't hear me, no matter how hard I'm willing her to hear. And there's no way for me to write this down.

"_She knows,"_ my mother's voice tells me, a faint echo of a dream, and I believe her.

"_Don't come back, Elena,"_ I beg in my head. _"Don't look for me. You have to live. And please," _I open my eyes and focus on the shutter. _"Please don't hate me for this."_

With the vision of Elena still vivid in my mind, I kick open the shutter and greet the light.


	2. Author's Note

Hey, thanks everyone for reading my fanfic! I hadn't considered writing any more to this story, but I realized I will have time to write during my winter break from college and the TVD break, so why not. You owe it to dhmhtra375 and Tara-Lynn for spurring me on! There will be at least another chapter to this angst-ridden fic, probably written in Elena's POV, and hopefully uploaded today or tomorrow.

On the note of speculation about Damon's death, I definitely suggest following confessionsofadelenaholic on Tumblr. She runs a really awesome blog and recently compiled a masterpost of season four foreshadowings of Damon's death and believes, as I do, that his death would be a great opportunity for Elena to prove that she loves him sire bond or not, and also gives her the occasion to fight for his return (because if Damon dies, he will be returning, obviously). My Tumblr url is domestic-damon btw if anyone wants to connect via the great tumblr.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N - Hi again, hope you enjoy this bit that's in Elena's POV. I think I'll try to continue this story for a few more chapters, because even though I'm really bad at devising plots, I love this idea of exploring Damon's death and Elena's psychological trauma. Also, I hope Elena isn't OOC. She was kind of hard for me to write. I'd love reviews! Thank you for reading. Also, sorry this is a fairly short chapter. I like being concise.

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His eyes hold mine in a steady reassurance, steady as his hand on my leg._ "I promise you, I will never leave you again,"_ he vows. I feel a hint of a smile cross my face as he gives me a nod. No matter how horrific our circumstances might become, I know I can trust Damon to keep his word. Whether we survive or die, he will be by my side.

"Elena." I jerk at the sound of my name, because I'm waiting for Damon to stride into the room and say, "_Elena, I'm here. Elena, you're not going. Elena, we can't._" Or he could tell me he hates me, for all I care. I just need to hear him and see him and tell him never to leave me again.

"Elena," the voice that isn't Damon's says again, gently this time. And I can't ignore it, because I love him too. "What is it, Jeremy?" I ask, turning around.

My brother is standing in the doorway, shifting his weapons pack from hand to hand. If the worried look on his face isn't enough, the loud, fast beat of his heart conveys his mood.

"I can't let you do this, Elena," he says. His dark eyes lock with mine and stun me with their seriousness.

For a few seconds, all I do is stare at him. I'm going to rescue Damon. Anything else is unthinkable.

"He wouldn't want this," Jeremy continues steadily. "Elena, he gave himself up so we'd all escape. You can't just – "

"Jer, Damon would do anything to save me," I interrupt, trying to keep my voice from cracking when I say his name. "And he wouldn't care if I wanted saved or not. I used to not understand that, but now I do."

Jeremy shakes his head, and I feel a sudden rush of frustration. We can't afford to argue.

"Damon spent all this time training me how to hunt vampires," my brother says slowly. "I learned a lot about him. Do you honestly think he's going to let you risk your life to rescue him?"

"Do you honestly think I can just stand here and do nothing while they could be killing him?" I snap back, then realize what Jeremy said. "Wait. What do you mean, Damon won't _let_ me save him?"

My brother drops his eyes, and I feel all my fear and frustration harden into something I know is dangerous. But I don't care. "What do you mean, Jeremy?" I repeat in a voice that doesn't sound like my own.

"I mean he'd rather give up his life than have you risk yours," Jeremy bursts out. "You know it, Elena. You _know_." He slams his pack down on the table and meets my eyes again, and the pain I read in them is like a stake to my heart.

"I know he's still alive," I say, but it comes out in a whisper. Jeremy doesn't answer. He's not looking at me anymore; he's staring into space over my shoulder. "I _know_," I tell him again, this time putting all the force of my fear and love into my words.

"Elena," Jeremy breathes my name, his eyes wide, and I know.

I know, even though I don't want to believe. I can't believe.

"_You are not dead,"_ I'm pleading, crying, yelling at him in my head. _"You are not dead."_

Suddenly I'm in Jeremy's arms, and he's holding onto me to keep the world from fading.

"He's here," my brother murmurs.

Here. Damon's here. I push away Jeremy and step to the center of the room, then find myself collapsing on the floor. I hug my knees to my chest and lift my head up. Damon's here. Of course he is.

I sit there while Jeremy tells me everything Damon wants me to know. I understand. Then I get up.

Jeremy touches my arm carefully, as if he's afraid I'm going to shatter. "Elena, I think we should – "

"Call Bonnie," I order, not meeting his eyes. "We're going to call Bonnie, and we're going to bring Damon back."


End file.
